Wednesday, August 22, 2012

WTF - mental breakthrough + major rant ahead

I hate hospitals. If you want to see, smell, and hear people dying, head to the hospital.
And I absolutely despise weigh-ins. Why am I bringing this up? Because I had a regular physical check-up last Thursday. Yeah, I'm what you'd call as healthy as a horse. I also feel like I weigh as much as one.
Inexplicably I have gained weight.You may call this "normal and healthy growth," but to me it is just totally cray-cray. I HAVE GAINED 10 POUNDS. Without growing a single inch!!!
And the even more mind-boggling part is this- my measurements have SHRUNK. Yes, you've heard that right; I gained 10 pounds in a month and my pants are LOOSER.
At first I was devastated. Totally and completely devastated. I had no idea how, although I was eating very clean and probably around 1600 cals a day (which is actually a 500 cal deficit for my age and activity level!!!).  I know for sure that I did not eat over 1600-1700 calories, because although I did not track every calorie closely, I was pretty much living off of broccoli, fruit, and nut butter. No white flour or sugar except for twice a week on cheat days. So how the hell did I gain weight but shrink?!
I pretty much broke out crying in the doctor's office. The doctor was a very nice man, but obviously not sure how to deal with a blubbering teenager. I went to the bathroom like five times to wash my face and make sure my eyes didn't swell too much.
For the past couple days, I had little to no appetite every time I thought of the number on the scale. When I ignore the scale and focus on being healthy, I'm fine. When I'm faced with the disgusting thought of a triple digit number, I feel like puking. For the first time in my life, my BMI is in the 20's! Yet for the first time in my life, I can fit into double 0 jeans. Which is more important? A number which I can easily lie about and probably nobody would even believe if I told them, or keeping my measurements at or under 32-24-33?
I couldn't blog after the weigh-in, because I was ingesting literally only a handful of pine nuts each day, and felt like a hypocrite. I'm supposed to be over this. I'm supposed to suck it up and move on- either lose the weight by starving myself (a healthy calorie deficit doesn't seem to affect my weight, although I can eat loads and not gain; it's weird...) or focus on losing inches and screwing those gross numbers to hell.
Today is the day I will finally choose the latter. The funny thing is that when I look at pictures of asian girls who are the same height/build as me but (now) 10-20 lbs lighter, I look practically the same as them! I am not very muscular and don't build visible muscle easily, so this baffles me. After all, a month isn't enough to gain 10 whole pounds of muscle weight for a girl like me.

But I have officially decided to work on getting my waistline to 60 cm instead of my weight back to a double-digit number.  Clean eating and plenty of pilates will for sure shrink my waistline!

I have chosen a path that is much, much easier and infinitely less painful than starving myself. I WILL stick to it.

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